Having an Affair with an Attached Man?
Is the Gamble Worth It?

Some women are gamblers even though they don't think of themselves that way with money.

Many women who "see" married men are gambling in a bigger way than with money. They slip into a relationship with a married man not paying attention to anything but the thrill of the moment.

Hear me, I am not moralizing. I am not judging. I am talking about choices and mental well-being.

An affair can be exciting, fulfilling up to a point, and can seem like the answer to loneliness or boredom or a difficult life. And some women can tolerate the downside of it all.

These women either pay attention to the moment only (blotting out concerns about the future), or they harbor a belief that this man will leave his wife for her. And on rare occasion the man does indeed leave his wife for her. But the vast majority do not!!!

There certainly are some females who prefer married men because they truly do not want to be involved with what they see as the role they would have to play as a consistent partner ---homemaker, helper, etc. They prefer a part-time enthusiastic sex-partner with more or less time spent talking and sharing other parts of their lives.

There are females who prefer married men because they want to avoid ongoing, true intimacy for any number of reasons.

But, for most women in this situation there is pain and suffering beyond belief. If they fall in love with this man and then he gets pangs of guilt and goes back to his wife full-time (which is usually the way it happens) it can take an enormous toll on the woman's health, work-life and friendships. And, it usually keeps her from pursuing healthy romantic relationships.

This is true for lesbian women as well as for heterosexual women. Many lesbian women fall in love with an attached woman (often a married woman who is not "out of the closet"). The scenario and results are the same as for heterosexuals --- excruciating pain and suffering.

A very destructive thing that sometimes happens is that this extracurricular relationship can be an on- -again off- again one or one in which the attached-other keeps intermittent phone contact. Usually this takes the form of sad accounts of an unhappy marriage or live-in relationship, statements of missing you and possibly recounting memories of happy experiences together. This hooks you again and creates hope of a future with this person. And it keeps you from healing and moving on.

I see many, many women in my office experiencing, sleeplessness, extreme weight-loss, ulcers that act up, depression (sometimes including suicidal thoughts or even gestures) and bitterness that spills over into the rest of their lives.

GO INTO IT WITH YOUR EYES OPEN if you get involved with someone who is already attached to someone else. Just remember it is a choice you are making and you can also choose instead to avoid the heartache and grief! You can choose to continue to seek out better odds with others who are available. Most gamblers do better if they understand the odds and, if smart, cut their losses early!

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